Cold Bitter Nostalgia….

Cold nostalgia really does chill you to the bone.I am missing the nucleus of my life…After her it seems my life just went bonkers..Electrons collided resulting in chaos..Now that the dust is settled all I am left with are ashes….memories with sharp pangs lashing at my heart.I have the sense of being cornered in a dark dungeon.When I was a teenager I was a dissatisfied person.I was distant from my parents.The walls of our home have shook and crumbled since I could notice.It was like an unstable time bomb ticking perilously, threatening to blow im my face!My parents couldnt live together or die apart and I couldn’t live with or without them.Insane!My maternal grandmother took me under her wing and made sense of the “real” world to me,so to speak.She is(was…I keep forgetting😑)one of those who never get tired of believing in eternal good in everybody.She put in me a little good I have in me today.She was my faith,my courage,a piece of my soul.I have written hundreds of poems every time I cried in the past yet its been six months since she left me bereft and not a word has oozed out of my pen!How my innards are at a battle,I cannot even begin to explain.My soul is mutinying against my head,alleging my love was a facade.I am numb with pain.I can wallow in her memories but after that there is nothing left to say!In a novel I once read(by Umera Ahmed”Peer e Kamil”) i read an excerpt from which I shall quote only a few line:
“What is next to ecstasy?
Pain.
What is next to pain?
Nothingness.
What is next to nothingness?
Hell.

Will this ever end?Will I get allwoozy inside at every happiness I get in life?Will I seek her shadow at every other tantalising brightness that tortures my very soul?Will every battle I ever fight be in need of her comradeship?Will each silhouette that crosses my path make me call out to her?Will I ever sleep any night without ever once aching for her with heartfelt pain?I think not.But I shall bear it with dignity as I had the honour of being intimate to a soul as unblemished and untarnished,to the end of her days,as hers!

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20 thoughts on “Cold Bitter Nostalgia….

  1. lauramomma27 says:

    I am so so sorry for your loss. Its sounds like she loved you so much.. and if that is so, she wants you to be happy, I know it. One day at a time.

    Like

  2. lauramomma27 says:

    I’m sure she’s so very proud of you… and knows you are strong and going to have a happy life, because obviously you are on the right track. She knows, and she might not be here physically, but she’s watching and always with you. I know that is easy to say and hard to feel, but I know its true. I’ve had loss like yours… and really wonderful things have happened that I know she (my Aunt, who was like a grandma to my boys) had her hand in. Stay strong, you don’t need anyone else to love you, you love you, for now. Everything else WILL fall into place. On that note, I know for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • But I never got around to give her something to be proud of!Some big hapiness!I made a lot of mistakes…going against what she taught me.I fell hard and disappointed her.I feel guilt gnawing at my heart!She still loved me….😟

      Liked by 1 person

      • lauramomma27 says:

        Well, as a mom, and now a Grand mom, here’s what you need to know… those of us that put kids first, (because some people are shitty and don’t get it.) we don’t care how stupid you were as a kid, we LOVE you, unconditionally. We were kids too and a lot of us did the same things. YOU have to FORGIVE yourself for all of it, because darlin.. she knows. She knows you had a rough life, and of course you were gonna act out. I cannot tell you how close this is to me. She wants you to learn to 1. forgive yourself for everything. 2. know that you are worthy of love for just being born.. even if the people around you didn’t give it right. 3. let go of the pain, 4. let go of people and things around you that bring you down (even if that’s the rest of your family) or at least distance yourself from them for a time, until you are stronger in your esteem, and only surround yourself with happy people. When you do these things, you will be happy. and that’s what she wants most of all. I promise every bit of what I’m saying is true.

        Liked by 1 person

      • *watery smile*.Thankyou for being so considerate as to calmly explain to me.Sorry for taking so much of your time.Thanks again,Laura!

        Liked by 1 person

      • lauramomma27 says:

        Oh ya!! And guess what? She was proud of you because you were her grandchild. You gave her something to be proud of honey, I swear on my life. My little grand daughter may not have an easy life either.. but I’ll NEVER EVER not be proud of her, or that she is mine.\

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      • I am *beaming*.All grandma’s rock!😍

        Liked by 1 person

    • I npw know better than to repeat my mistakes but whats done cannot be undone!NOW I see…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. deepbluesandseafoamgreens says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling down. I really really do hope you feel better *hugs*

    Like

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