Predicament..

Poison surges through my veins….the irony of it being;multiple reasons.First and foremost being:I know it and not being able or perhaps assuming I can do nothing about it.At moments like these,I hate my guts.At times,I would be upfront about everything and voice my opinion. I appreciate or criticise and never flatter.I give hard truth but with the best of intentions and not to break someone’s heart.When it comes to my own life battles,I have fought bravely many a times,but I lay down arms at the worst of times.Desert my very soul in midst of open fire.When it comes to my family,I become a naive kid and the negative energy a friend tells me wisely so to deflect in life,coils me;crushing my insides.How can I bear with the betrayal in my mother’s eyes.She feels like a mother no more.I thought a mother’s love was unconditional, the only one untarnished by who you are or should be.She had long ago laid arms because of her broken marriage! I comforted her til….she became more and more distant.Today my eyes still burn from incessant unheeded tears,my head pounding with migraine yet she carelessly sleeps.How can dust settle on the years I rooted for her,despite the fact that she had little time to give to me since me and my brother were young!She now has transformed into another person who seeks to isolate me from her mortal enemy(my father) and consents to name my price(read:needs)I depend on parents for college money where I come from for various reasons.In the process she objectifies me.Today I got exasperated.I nearly topped the merit list hence I bickered with her to help my father in paying the dues.I know;a lot of people who must be calling me a freak of nature!Maybe,I am(judging by the depression spells that knock me cold despite my attempt at taking things positively),but I appeal to your good-nature;rethink,as you do not see the 20 year broad picture I have the view of.I do not want to victimise myself nor do I want to generate self sympathy or..for that matter,sympathy.I just want to vent out the negativity and see more clearly.I want better heads perhaps to pour some of their sense into my head so that I may see it from a fresh angle from people.Some of you may have been befallen by similar predicaments,have you not?I do not possess my source of endless courage and the person who stood up for me,anymore(my grandmother)!After her,I have learned or atleat tried to survive on my own.I have risen from ashes once,but moments like these bring me precariously close to the ditch:abyss I have lifted my torn spirit from.She is not my mother anymore!This has brought me on the edge of madness and hearing her call me crazy and worthy of a mental asylum is driving me nuts.I am dangerously close to falling below where I stood couple years ago,all I have learned about living life optimistically and in a contended fashion is slipping from my fingers.Go ahead and call me crazy, but unlike every journal entry and poem,today i am drained:devoid of any hopeful or positive foot note at the end of this note except that I am trying to take in a poem(On The Wings Of)  written by a fellow blogger 1heartsoundm.wordpress.com and friend in ways that matter and hoping to restore my balance bracing myself for another war,waging without and the repercussion more pivotally which ceaselessly wage on within me!

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6 thoughts on “Predicament..

  1. Takeshi says:

    Be strong Margaret! You are your inner strength!

    Like

  2. Takeshi says:

    Hi Margaret! I nominated you for One Lovely Blog Award. Please do check out my post at http://suejutakeshi.wordpress.com

    Like

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